Dear Dazzle: Strike a Pose

Dear Dazzle,

I had an experience this morning that I found quite comical.  It was exactly what I needed to lift me out of the funk I have been in. Boy did it show up right on time!

Most of you know that I left an abusive marriage. I am still unpacking how traumatic and abusive it really was.  It isn’t my favorite thing to talk about and when I do it usually unleashes an array of crap that quite frankly sucks the life out of me.  Survivors of repeated trauma often disassociate from the trauma so as to continue to function every day.  Apparently I tucked away what was happening to me so I didn’t have to deal with the physical or emotional pain I was experiencing.

It is cool that my body responds by holding it away from my everyday thoughts, but it does keep it for me to deal with as I can.  It releases what I am able to process and when that happens it usually throws me for a huge loop.  I know it is part of the healing, but I hate feeling that pain so I try to button it back up into the mental container as soon as possible.

Well this time the events that triggered opening up that mental container unleashed some whoop ass on me. I have been coming to terms with the trauma I experienced over the course of fifteen years and it has really done a job on me.  This is the hardest work I have ever done and quite honestly I don’t know how much more I can take. It has been a really hard couple of weeks and this morning I was really ready to just give up. I want to be done.  I don’t want to play with this anymore.

So that is how I was feeling this morning when I got in the shower.  I was begging God and the universe to take the pain away.  I didn’t want to try to handle it anymore.  I was sobbing.  I thought for sure this was the lowest point I have reached in my 45 years and I didn’t think I could recover. I hope you never have to understand what that feels like and if you do, I am sending you love.

copy-of-dear-dazzle    As I take a deep breath I look down at the way I am standing.  Given how I was feeling, it wouldn’t have been a stretch to think I would be curled up in the fetal position or holding myself trying to ease the pain.  Nope. Not me.  I look down and take notice that I am standing in Super Girl Pose.  My feet are planted firmly apart.  My hands are on my hips and my shoulders are back while I am sobbing.  I just laughed out loud.  My heart may be saying I give up, but my body is clearly letting me know that we are continuing the fight.  No easy rides for me.

I haven’t felt like working in days.  Anyone who knows me, knows that despite all else, the one constant in my life is my desire to work.  After I stopped laughing and got dressed, I booted up my computer and began to get work done.  There was no dread or discomfort.  There is even a smile on my face and it feels good to want to be engaged again.  Maybe it is temporary and I am sure my moments of pain and discomfort are not over, but today I am fighting another day and that feels good.

I haven’t felt very shiny lately, but maybe today was a pivot point.  Hope you are feeling dazzling today.  If you aren’t, maybe you too should strike a pose. It might be just the thing to lift you out of the muck so you can shine.

Shine on dear one –

Sheila

PS – I have a fabulous support system around me including a therapist who works with domestic violence trauma.  I am confident enough to know that I needed help, asked for it and have gotten it.  If you are struggling with similar issues involving abuse and violence in your life, please share your story and seek help.

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